He has left me

Trustar falls to the ground as soon as the words have left his lips. A final breath, his eyes close and he crumples to the earth. As it sinks in that I have looked at his face alive for the last time, the ground vanishes beneath me. I feel like I can join him on this new level of life he has gone to, but I cannot follow. And I know this. 

They will tell me later that my father ran forward to catch me before I fell. That I wanted to stay with Trustar, but they would not let me touch the body. I did not scream, I barely wept, I don't remember any of this. They lead me silently back down the aisle and guided me home. Throughout the carriage ride and the people starring as I went past, I think I can recall wondering where he had gone. I was angry at one point, for he had left me when he had no right to. Hadn't he promised he would be there always? And now he was gone forever and what was I supposed to do? There would always be this hole in my center, in my soul, where he should have been. 

I remember realizing I was starting to grieve, just as my mother lead me into the house. It so happens the moment I crossed the threshold I came to understand the full impact of what had happened and I stopped being angry and confused and this overwhelming wave of sadness and loss ripples through me. I can't breath at first, I can't think any thoughts other than intense loss. So many things will change forever and I have no control. I panic and still can't breath, but my mother takes my hands in hers and makes me look at her. 

"Amoura." She says sternly but gently. "You will survive this my love. I know you feel as though you cannot continue without him, but you will. You will survive for him. You have to. I'm so sorry."

Her voice breaks and I sink into despair. 

I stay in that state for 2 years.